Kirk said something really inappropriate

I am in a beginning digital film making class this semester that I take with about 5 other grad students and maybe 25 under grads. As you can imagine the most childish immature and disruptive students in the class are the grad students. We all sit in the back row and reenact scenes from the little rascals. I am surprised our teacher hasn’t snapped and brought a gun into class to make an example of one of us.

But it’s not all our fault. One of the problems is that the undergrad students’ films are usually really bad. Let me rephrase that, everyone’s films, including grad students, are bad (except mine of course). It’s hard not to throw in a little commentary every now and again.

Hence my story for today.

We were watching this girl’s video (and if you are this girl and have somehow stumbled onto my site, stop reading right now, please, you will only want to hurt me later) that wasn’t quite working for me. The plot: A girl is walking down a street. A guy sees her on the street and takes her into a side street and then rapes her for about 3 minutes of screen time.

Now rape is bad and not fun to watch, much like student films. So when these two forces are brought together the finished project is Abu Graib level torture.

But then the best part of the movie happened. When the guy was done raping the girl he crucified her. She was left hanging Jesus style from a garage.

This is the point where I leaned over to Ian and whispered, very very softly, “Wow he really nailed her.”

Now Ian is a Jew, so I thought he would be able to roll with a little Christian sacrilege without much of a fuss. But the thing that I didn’t know about Ian is that he was raised a non practicing Jew, so he never really went to church or Temple or Hamas or whatever. So he lacked the one skill that I have retained from all my church going days. He doesn’t know how to suppress a laugh in an inappropriate situation.

When I was a kid that was pretty much the whole point of church: Which kid could get another one to laugh and thus get him/her in trouble? It was a serious competition. I often felt there should have been leagues and play offs.

The game pretty much consisted of the utilization of two skills. The first was your stand up (sit down) comedy skills (ie singing the hymns in a British accent, making low snorting noises that only one other person could hear during prayers etc.). It was crucial however that you did it covertly. If mom caught you not only were you in risk of some form of earthly punishment, but you might actually go to Hell, which didn’t sound like much fun. The other skill of course was laughter suppression.

My Dad (who liked to get in on the competition every now and then) would do this thing when he sang hymns where he would alternate the volume of his singing in such a subtle way that when you realized it you would end up going into some sort of laughter-repression seizure, eyes streaming with tears, lip bit almost to the point of drawing blood. But it was a good lesson. I became a master at “holding it in”.

Ian, not so good at the laughter suppression.

He started laughing in the middle of the rape. Loudly. A long loud clear laugh while this girl was being raped and crucified.

I hit him in the arm (I swear we revert to about 10 years old in this class) and then I sunk down low in my seat and pulled my hat low. When the film was over Ian immediately broke the biggest rule in the I-can-make-you-laugh-during-church/rape-scenes game. He told on me.

“Kirk said something really inappropriate!”

I hit him again. In order to stop him from actually repeating what I said I launched into some lame explanation about characterization and being outside a moment blah blah. No one was buying it. The other students looked at me like I had just taken a dump on the floor and was now trying to stick a flower in it.

I think the girl was crying.

So there you are. I feel safe in saying I should never be trusted to watch another student film about rape. And while we are at it I would like to never be allowed to watch another one about suicide, first dates gone awry or someone sitting in their dorm room looking sad. Also I think we can safely say that student films with nudity should be kept as far away from me as possible.

Ian automatically gets prize for worst player of the laughter game ever. Shoot that’s a stupid name for the prize. See that’s why it should have an organized league. OK how’s this, from now on when anyone laughs inappropriately in church, or school, or a funeral, that person will be known as an Ian. Take that sir-laughs-a lot.

This is a photo James Felder took of Ian at the first NYU poker game. If you see this guy on the street hit him in the arm for me.

Comments

[Matt Duckor]

wow, i've had a similar experiance, minus the rape part. the short film was well shot but featured terrible acting and a lame ass story (it was called "the side street" actually). so, i can easily identify with you in the situation, except, i laughed freely throughout the film, the director is a douchebag.
-Matt

[Jimmi Felder]

I laughed reading that. I laughed and laughed. I cried. Then I laughed some more. I was mortified in class when it was happening. But it was worth some chuckles at home. Nothing beats transforming a humiliating disaster into a life-affirming anecdote. Go Kirk!

[Kev]

I'm glad I wasn't in class when I read this, because I'm afraid my own laughter suppression skills are suffering of late - and I'd have gotten nailed myself . . .

[dallapozza]

jews. ruining everything.

[TG]

That was funny--truly my favorite post thus far!

[Rapheal]

i have a friend kirk. he looks just like you. he likes porn. and makes movies about porn. poor kirk. hes gonna die alone.